Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Baby Apocalypse

It’s the end of the world. Zombies have taken over. You’ve found yourself a rag tag group of people to try to survive with. And part of your group are a few women who back in the pre-apocalypse days were stay at home moms and won prizes in the bake sale. You think “Great. These bitches are dead weight. They got nothing to offer.” Wrong. They will be the best members of your team. Way ahead of the machismo bad ass wannabe that can’t wait to see the zombie brains explode. Y’all should know that guy is going first. Moms are your ticket to survival.

Let me make my case:

1. Be quiet- Every mom knows the value in this. Disturbing a sleeping baby is criminal. Disturbing a walking zombie is death. Moms have the art of silence perfected.
2. Pick your battles- Any mother knows that you can’t fight every fight. That will kill you. Same goes for zombies. If you can avoid a fight, do it.
3. Know your way out- A mother who takes their children always knows her exit strategy.
4. Keep the idiots close- Keep them close so they don’t fuck up your zombie survival plan. Moms keep the idiots close all day long. We got this down.
5. Be prepared- Always have a gun and a secondary weapon. You can’t solely rely on the gun. You will run out of bullets at some point. Mom’s know this. Their diaper bag is filled with anything needed for any worse case senario.
6. Be efficient- One shot should be all that needed to kill the zombie. One and done. As a mom that’s my motto. I say "no" once and that is it. Done. (Though double tap to be sure. See number 11.)
7. Always check the backseat-Check for Zombies. Checking for kids. Practically the same thing.
8. Be ruthless- You got no time for compassion. Zombies sure don’t. You got to get the job done. As a mom, you can’t be weak. You must be strong. Ruthless or those little fuckers you spawned will eat you alive.
9. Have some stamina- I been running after my toddler will the energy of twenty men on coke all day long. Zombies got nothing on that.
10. Do not confine yourself to a small place- Don’t be an idiot. You’ll get cornered. This goes for zombies and evil genetically related toddlers.
11. Double tap- Make sure that zombie is dead. Don’t trust the one bullet and done. Double tap. Same goes with kids. That came out wrong. What I mean is never take anything for granted. Double wipe. Double check. Double everything. Moms can never be too sure about anything.
12. Travel in a group- It’s a numbers game. You stand a better chance if you’re in a group. There’s not just you the zombie has to focus on. Someone else more weak will go down. Same goes in groups of parents and kids. Most likely there’s a mom worse than you and a kid worse than your kid. Makes your day.
13. Blend in- It’s not pretty, but works. Smear some zombie guts on you and maybe you’ll just blend. Mom’s are used to this. We smell like our kids poo and pee and spit up daily. I think it must be part of how the children bond with us.
14. Warm up- You don’t want to pull a muscle while taking down a zombie. That’d be a pretty lame way to die. Moms have learned this lesson after straining themselves while crawling on the floor with their three years olds.
15. Have a plan. Know where you are sleeping- Moms nest. That’s our thing.
16. Dress comfortably- Whether you’re dealing with zombies or kids: It’s is not a fashion show. I perhaps am too good at this one. Don’t have any extra fabric. Be able to move. Good shoes. Doesn’t matter what your clothes look like. It’s going to get dirty.
17. Don’t go anywhere alone- In a zombie war this is crucial. In our mom lives it’s unavoidable. I don’t remember the last time I’ve been in the bathroom alone.
18. Be healthy- Eat well. Stay healthy. The only way you’ll survive. Us moms have got Michelle Obama breathing down our necks about how to feed our kids. All right already.
19. Travel light- Only bring the essentials. Now only some moms will be good at this one. The ones who know what they are fucking doing.
20. Don’t get attached- Attachments, as in being attached to people, will only slow you down when the zombies have taken over. You might think this would be a mom’s weak point. I throw away my kids art work. You can’t be too sentimental or you will be horribly disappointed.

And moms know the most important thing...

21. You are never safe. NEVER.

Case closed. Any mom worth their salt would survive a zombie apocalypse. Make sure you have a few in your group.